Evil Minds
by Yuffie-Girl
Summary: An assortment of FF villains get into an argument over just WHO is the most evil. *COMPLETE one-shot*


Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or its villains (who would want to?!) And no, I don't own Charmin. 

Author's Note: If you are secretly in love with any Final Fantasy villains, then I suggest that you immediately click on the Back button. There is lots and lots of bashing in this fic. I mean it! I really mean it! Even Sephiroth gets it in this story! (Although I really don't think he deserves it :D!!) Oh, and if anyone flames this: at least make sure you can spell. That would be greatly appreciated. 

Summary: An assortment of FF villains get into an argument over just WHO is the most evil.

Rating: PG-13, for swearing and some objectionable phrases (nothing that you couldn't find on prime-time TV, though). 

The roiling flames of Heck were fiery hot indeed, but apparently not fiery and hot enough, if the conversation going on in its deepest bowels was any indication. Perhaps Satan needed to reevaluate the heating bill...

"I'm telling you, you guys," said Kuja, stamping his foot in frustration as he stood on the large rock in the midst of the circle of villains. "It WOULD work. We've got the strength and the manpower to do it. If we could just get our hands on a hundred shovels-" 

"Oh, and how practical is that?!" scoffed Sephiroth, "And even if we HAD shovels I doubt you'd have the upper body strength to use one!"

Kuja put his pinky to his mouth in anger. "H-how DARE you! You think just because you summoned Meteor you're all that and a bag of chips! Well, I'm here to say you're NOT!" He stamped his foot again, tossing his silver-white hair with a dainty, effeminate hand.

"Oh just shut the hell up, you thong-wearing pansy!"

Seymour had hitherto stayed out of the conversation, feeling that it could go any way it wanted, but NOW he felt that Sephiroth had crossed the line. "I can't BELIEVE you!" he screeched in that unearthingly creepy voice. "How DARE you talk about my lover that way! Just because Necron said he didn't want you doesn't mean you can-" He then had to stop because his dangerously low-cut robe had tried to slip even further. 

Necron, however, was not going to let anything slide. "YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SUGGEST THAT I WOULD ENTER A MAN-MAN RELATIONSHIP WITH SUCH A FIGURE?! THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT I WANT, AND THAT IS NOTHINGNESS! ALL WAS NOTHING IN THE BEGINNING, AND ALL THINGS WISH TO RETURN TO THE NOTHING THAT THEY WERE!! IT IS PAINFUL FOR CREATURES TO LIVE, AS THEY MUST DEVOUR OTHER-"

"None of us asked for a lecture, Professor!" Kefka was thoroughly sick of Necron's constant ramblings about "nothingness" and "suffering" and "why Britney Spears was almost evil as he was". He was the most evil person in Heck, and he was going to tell him so! 

He went on, grinning insanely as he shoved Kuja off the rock and jumped up onto it himself, "You are such a pathetic excuse for a villain, Necron! Uwee hee hee! So you're all for nonexistence, eh? But are you really? I'm going to build a statue dedicated to it! And you can't stop me! Uwee hee hee!" 

X-Death agreed with Kefka wholeheartedly. "Yeah, I agree with the freak with the clown makeup! I'm sick of your crap, Necron! Nonexistence this and nonexistence that! I HONESTLY doubt that YOU could make ANYTHING nonexistent! How could anything that looks like Frosty the Snowman wearing toilet paper be capable of THAT?!"

"FIRST THE THING WITH SEPHIROTH, AND NOW THIS!" rumbled Necron. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL! AND I'M WEARING CHARMIN TODAY! NOBODY MESSES WITH ME WHEN I WEAR CHARMIN! I SHALL MAKE YOU ALL DISAPPEAR!"

"We're already dead, you idiot!" Kuja roared, now absolutely fed up with the affairs of the present. How DARE Necron impede upon his role in the game in the first place! "We're already as nonexistent as you can get!"

Ultimecia, standing up, presently joined the fray. "Kurse you! Kurse you all! I kould be possessing people right now and instead I have to listen to your bikkering!" 

"You're pathetic, too!" snorted Sephiroth. "Time compression is a stupid idea! It isn't even cool! You're a SHAME to villains everywhere, Ultimecia, and it's about time someone told you so!"

Ultimecia was so mad at this that her spit-riddled reply made everyone around cover their faces. "Well, at least I didn't get konquered by a half-ass little lab experiment that kut you in two with a rusty sword!" 

"Shut up, shut UP!" screeched Zeromus at an unearthly volume. "I'VE SAT HERE LISTENING TO ALL OF YOU THE WHOLE TIME SAYING HOW GREATLY EVIL YOU ALL ARE, BUT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME! _I'M _THE EVILLEST, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"

Sephiroth smirked at him. "Well, I can't say that your afro isn't a little bit evil, but...no offense, Zeromus, but you don't exactly strike fear into my heart. A good villain has to strike fear into everyone's hearts, and YOU just don't make the cut!"

"AND YOU DO?!" Necron roared. "YOU WHO HAS TONS OF FANGIRLS WISHING THAT THEY COULD OWN YOU AS THEIR LOVE SLAVE?! YOU DON'T MAKE THE CUT EITHER, YOU- YOU _BISHONEN!"_

Sephiroth was speechless. He had been called the utterly most _horrible _thing in the universe, and he knew he had to fight back. "AGH! SHUT UP! I bet YOU'VE got fangirls, too! Uh - uh - well, maybe a few, in maybe a vague, perverted sort of way... But that's not my point! My point is--OH IT'S NO USE! JUST GO BURN IN HECK, ASSHOLE!"

"I AM ALREADY IN HECK...ASSHOLE."

"Well, at least I didn't get beaten by a freaky-looking midget...asshole."

"WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T GO CRAZY WHEN MY DADDY PUT IN THE MAKO...ASSHOLE."

X-Death suddenly burst into tears. Putting his head in his hands and letting out long, animal-like sobs, he wailed, "Stop it! STOP IT, I TELL YOU! I hate arguing! I HATE IT! This argument is reminding me of all the times Mommy and Daddy used to fight, and I can't take it anymore! I CAN'T TAKE IT!"

Kefka, barely able to contain himself, burst into a fit of insane, girl-like giggles. "Uwee hee hee! You're such a wimp! No wonder you got beaten by someone with a pathetic name like Butz! Uwee hee hee!"

"STOP IT! Stop picking on me!"

"People, PEOPLE!" Now that he had finally finished adjusting his robe to a decent height, Seymour was ready to put in his opinion. "We're villains here!! We're all villains that almost took over our respective worlds! Shouldn't we be working TOGETHER to get out of Heck?!"

Everyone quit swearing at each other for a moment to murmur in agreement. As gay as he was, Seymour DID have a point, after all... What was the use of staying here and arguing for all eternity?! Yes, yes, they had things to do. Time to compress, worlds to ruin, Mako to inject, however you wanted to put it. They absolutely _had_ to get out of this dump so they could all ruin their enemies' new, luxurious celebrity lifestyles (as riddled with booze and drugs as they probably were). 

"Well?" The question hung upon Seymour's lips as he stared around at everyone.

"Well, I guess it's time to get to work," said Sephiroth matter-of-factly as he searched around for a pointy stick so that he could begin the long dig upwards.

THE END 

Author's Note: I just bet you're thinking I'm insane by now. Heehee, I am! I am! It's just that Final Fantasy villains are just so FUN to make fun of! I literally LAUGHED when I first fought Necron; I think he's the most pathetic last boss ever (although the fact that I killed Yu Yevon in two hits gives him a run for his money). Anyhoo, reviewing is greatly appreciated. I'm wondering what kind of feedback I'll be getting from this twisted thing I did; call it a bad byproduct from the fic I'm currently writing, if you will.


End file.
